Are you truly Dominant or simply controlling?

• • •

Over the years I have learnt to master the art of Dominance and control. It got me thinking about whether they were the same or completely different entities in a D/s relationship.

Control seems to be the go-to for a lot of modern D/s dynamics. Sometimes it’s done with fear tactics and bullying by the “dominant” person and other times it’s done through the desire to serve and relinquish day-to-day power and decision-making by the submissive. Yes, control relinquishment is a choice made by you and without it there is no longer a Ds relationship.

These are not the only dynamics but certainly 2 that stick out for me. Dominance is something that I think is more powerful than being controlling. It is within you, who you are naturally and without any training needed. I believe that if you are truly Dominant then you have control at your fingertips and don’t require bullying tactics or coercion. Being dominant has helped me focus on the control element that I have in sessions and realise over time that I don’t need to raise my voice to get a submissive to do as I’ve instructed. A simple glance over my glasses or a snap of my finger is enough to silence the defiance from any mischievous sub.

I sometimes wonder if excessive control without dominance is a weakness in itself. Surely anyone can scream and shout at someone but simple hand gestures or a stern look to force submission is more powerful? I guess I am implying that controlling behaviour is so loud and aggressive because there is in fact, no controlled dominance in the relationship. This does not distract from the fact that a Dominant person is not a nice person or able to be kinder, soothing, or soft-spoken in the session but she can use a simple tone change in her voice or use something like silence to remind the submissive of her thoughts at that particular moment. How reassuring is that? Surely as a submissive, you don’t necessarily want to be screamed at but your undeniable submission offered by relinquished control to a Dominant is way more appealing, to me, that is very sexy indeed.

Choose wisely when you pick a Dominant. How do you want the session to go, and are you able to handle controlling behaviour, or are you trying to achieve greatness in your submission through a calm and less chaotic environment? Look at the ladies who have more experience, who look calmer and unphased by irratic type of sessions because I assure you will flourish more as a person and experience maximum intensity as a submissive.